Sunday, October 30, 2011

Recent Realizations

Have you ever been surprised to find yourself changed? When some aspect of yourself is somehow different than you remembered it? How can this happen? Don't we live with ourselves every single moment of every single day? How can we just wake up one day and feel strange in our own skin?

I have always felt that I know who I am. What I believe. What I like. What I don't like. But if these undetected changes can occur, who's to say I would even recognize myself twenty years in the future?

Part of this is that I am just now coming out of the fog. The post-baby fog, that is. Veronica turned seven months old a couple of days ago. And I feel as though I am taking an inventory of where my life is. For instance, it suddenly became very apparent that we need to be working with Joshua in some more creative ways to help him along in his emotional maturity. And by emotional maturity, I mean not throwing a frickin' fit or having a complete meltdown every single time he's disappointed. And it's not like I'm talking about huge disappointments either. He recently had a tantrum because the DVD we watched didn't have any bonus features other than "Watch with Commentary." Of course, he was tired at the time. But still. Kind of eye opening.

And we have also discovered that we need to be working with Noah on his apt to be living in his own little world. It's something that I love about him very much. But it can also be aggravating, such as when I give him an instruction and he completely forgets it within ten seconds. On a particularly bad day, it was frightening. I had my worst scare thus far (and hopefully ever) when putting Veronica into a grocery cart on a shopping trip this past week. After the ninety seconds or so of buckling Veronica, I looked up and Noah was gone.

Immediately, I was yelling his name, searching frantically and praying. I realized that if anyone was going to grab a child, the entrance of a grocery store would be the perfect spot because of all of the people coming and going. But after a few minutes, my prayers were answered and Noah was looking up at me with his enormous, unblinking eyes. Angry and scared, I reprimanded him. He bust into tears. I still lectured him, but was then able to hold him in my arms and comfort him. Of course, he was scared too. He had simply walked into the store and continued on, believing we were all still beside him.

And that's the problem that we need to work on. I'm all for imaginative play. But Noah can be completely unaware of the world around him. He's the kid that walks into large objects. Such as trees. How do we work on this? I'm not sure yet and am very open to any suggestions you may have.

Anyway, back to the fog lifting. It seems that now I am getting regular sleep, I am becoming more aware of the areas of my life other than Veronica that need some attention.

And I am also becoming more aware that I am not the same woman I was before our third child.

I am even more protective and particular with how I spend my time, probably because I have less of it. TV watching is at an all time low in our house.

I am becoming more of a homebody.

I still love to entertain and love a big crowd, but am realizing that I work too hard. Or at least too hard for this new, unfamiliar me. We had our 5th Annual Halloween Party last night, which was awesome. But I think for next year, I will definitely be searching for ways to make things simpler and easier. First of all, I made way too much food. Big surprise :)

I have become more comfortable with the phase of life I am in. Many people ask how my book is coming. And while it is still very close to my heart and I think about it a lot, I just don't have time to write a novel right now. But I will. Possibly when I don't have little ones who are quite dependent on me. 

Also, for my sanity, I absolutely need time in my house by myself occasionally. I know all moms need this, but with homeschooling I find that it is crucial to the health of our family life. I mean, I love my children, but I am pretty much with them all of the time, every day. Thankfully, my amazing husband has no fear of taking all three children away so that I can have this. He loves to take care of me. But it has its benefits for him too, such as giving our intimate life a boost. And it also probably helps me to be a more interesting person for him to be married to. I would guess he gets a little bored of conversing about nap times, feeding schedules and spit-up. When I have time at home by myself, I can write, read and catch up a little on the news. It's kind of like I return to being part of normal, adult society.

I guess it's not surprising that having a baby would cause some changes other than to my hips. I mean, there's a whole other life in our house. A whole other person. A whole other human being. A whole other personality developing that didn't used to be there. She is more attached to me than either of our boys ever were. The other night she was crying because Jason was feeding her dinner in her high chair. The audacity. The nerve. As soon as I took over, she was fine.

I have an entirely new relationship. I have a daughter now. That rocks my world.

I look forward to seeing what other changes in myself may have also developed. It's nice to know that my personality is not stagnant. Who knows? Maybe all of the sudden I'll become a stand-up comedian. The new Jerry Seinfeld. It could happen . . .