Highway 2, Once Again

Our journey to Lake Chelan on Highway 2 inspires me every year, entrancing me under a spell of nostalgia.  A trip I have made every summer for about 25 years, I now spend the drive reflecting on how my life has changed each year, reminiscing a magical childhood and overcome with astounding gratitude for all of my blessings. Last year I was pregnant; now there is a new person here with us! I also have a new sister-in-law and a new nephew! And my sister is engaged! So many blessings. 

Four years ago, I wrote a poem on the way to Chelan and shared it in this post. This year, I did the same . . .

Highway 2, Once Again

Once again,  You Old Familiar Road,

You give needed rest to this old soul.
On the comfort of your path you lay before me,
You promise the same delights of summers I've seen.

Leaving behind the rain,
Oh Blue Sky,
You come peaking out between the peaks.  

Growing, spreading, reaching;
Your edges like fingertips above me,
Pushing back the clouds behind me.

Oh Giant Trees,
Your magical, sparkling, silver leaves
Reflect the sunlight of my youth.
I grew up beneath your boughs.
The pain and the thrill of adolescence
Still lurks in your shadows,
Yet is so far from me now.

Oh Steadfast River,
You take me up
In your relentless current,
Carrying me past each breaking boulder,
Each tranquil pool, so tame.
Never stagnant, ever changing,
Yet always the same.
You know my name.
You toss me and turn me,
Molding and forming my shape,
Softening my edges with your waves.

Oh Steadfast River,  lead me.
Oh Giant Trees, shelter me.
Oh Blue Sky, brighten my way.
Old Familiar Road, take me away.

Breathing Room

I wouldn't say I have claustrophobia, because that isn't it. It's more that I have moments where if one more person touches me, I am going to start screaming. Is this normal?

My mom reassures me that it is. She recalls me as a toddler clinging to her with desperation. She also remembers my younger sister Kristen clutching to her while my brother Jeremy berated her with questions about how electricity and everything else under the sky works. I can relate to that.

Of course I realize that this is a phase of life. There will be a day when I miss little hands in mine; a phase when I long for hugs from my sons who are too embarrassed or difficult to give them; a pivotal moment when I will sit on our couch and a throng of little ones won't battle over the prime space on my lap. This time will come. I wish in knowing that, I would never get irritated with the small hands, arms, legs and feet that grab, clutch, cling, hold, pet and poke me. But alas, I inevitably do.

Yesterday I actually ran away from Veronica. She is the babe who has been most attached to me. After cleaning the house, I needed to shower badly. I often have Veronica shower with me, but not this time. She could sense what was happening and chased me down the hallway. I raced away to close the door behind me, hearing detest and betrayal in her screaming: How could Mommy do this? Of course, Jason was right there to scoop her up and console her.

I also feel myself getting a little territorial of my conversation time with Jason. He is a wonderful father, making sure to really listen to the kids and have in depth conversations about whatever is on their minds. But at the end of the day when he returns home, sometimes I feel like saying, "Hey! I'm the wife! It's my turn to talk!" And occasionally I do say just that!

There have even been times when our family is driving in the car, the children are quiet, Jason begins talking with them and I get irritated! I mean, really, why initiate conversation? Let's enjoy the quiet, for goodness sake. I realize this is unreasonable. I mean, I guess he's allowed to speak to our kids. It has become a joke between he and I: "Do not engage the children!" :)

Tonight, we are removing ourselves from the children in the best way that we can. Adrienne is going to babysit for my brother, Damian's family. The boys will be downstairs watching a movie and eating dinner. If we have to pull out the Baby Einstein for Veronica, so be it.

Motherhood is an all-encompassing, all-consuming role. And of course that is partly what makes it so full of passion, joy and love. But there are times when I don't want to be so consumed.

Sometimes I just need a little breathing room.

Making Decisions

Sometimes I feel incapable of making the decisions I need to make for our family. Every choice has advantages and disadvantages, and sometimes I can think myself dizzy through all of the options and still not come to an answer.

I am currently trying to make a large decision about homeschooling for our family. I shouldn't say "I." I should say "we." For of course Jason and I will make this decision together. We have been doing a lot of research, reading, discussing and praying. But in the end, although I will have Jason's input, he will basically trust me to make the final decision because I am really the one doing most of the homeschooling. Of course I appreciate his faith in me. But do you ever feel like you just wish someone else would make your decisions for you?

For the past two years, we have been enrolled in the Edmonds Homeschooling Resource Center - Edmonds Heights. It has been wonderful. We have met a lot of other wonderful homeschooling families, which was our main goal when becoming enrolled. Joshua has taken some fabulous classes - Spanish, American Sign Language, Legos, Math and Science. He has enjoyed them all and has made some good friends.

However, one of my main frustrations has been the amount of time this has taken out of our schedule. All of these classes were electives. They're great and all, but after reading The Well-Trained Mind, I began to realize that I need more time to teach the basics and teach them well. ASL and Lego class are fun and all, but they become a hindrance when they are taking up my time to teach math, reading and writing.

There are only so many hours in a day and I am continuing to realize and become more adamant in my need to be very selective in what we do with our time. I simply cannot justify spending hours a week on electives when I don't have time for the basics.

Last week I became aware of another program. It is another A.L.E (Alternative Learning Experience) that supports homeschooling families called Meridian Parent Partnership Program or MP3. It provides much of the same support that Edmonds Heights does, except that it also has an extension program, meaning that we do not have to take classes on campus. We can have their support and do all of our learning at home, supplementing with outside lessons and tutors just when we think it's necessary.

We will still have an advisor who will help us to create a Student Learning Plan. We will still have a lot of support from Washington State and will have assistance in understanding homeschooling laws and with student assessment.

We would also have more freedom and more time. But we won't have the community that we have at Edmonds Heights. Joshua has made friendships with many of the children he has had several classes with. I can see the advantages of both scenarios. Edmonds Heights gives us more of a community, but it takes away from our time to be teaching important subjects. MP3 doesn't offer the community, but gives us more freedom and time.

What's more important? How do I decide between the two?

Well, right now I am just buying myself some time. Both Joshua and Noah are enrolled in Edmonds Heights for the fall. And tomorrow I am mailing in the registration forms for MP3.

I have also talked with the boys a lot about it and asked for their opinions. I've let them know what we are considering, how things would change and how we would make it work. They seem to be accepting of the idea of change.

If I had to decide right now, I would choose MP3. I feel like it will be easier to make up for the disadvantages of MP3's program than it has been for me to make up for the disadvantages of Edmonds Heights' program. I can more easily create and work on friendships and community for my children than I can create more time. If we decide to go with MP3, I will make a large effort to stay in touch and continue to nurture the friendships that Joshua (and Noah and I) have made at Edmonds Heights.

When it comes to decisions like this, I am comforted when I remember that nothing is permanent. If we make the switch and don't like it, we can always switch back and that's okay.

It's just too bad that homeschooling and life do not come with instruction manuals :)

Darling Photos

Happy Friday! A few new favorite pics to share :)

Playing with my apron strings as I prepare Jason's birthday dinner.

So precious

Lots of new teeth coming in. Such an adorable smile.

Being a "Yes Mom"

For a while, I have tried to think of myself as a "Yes Mom."

What does this mean? Well, ideally it means that I don't say no unless I actually need to.

So, does it mean that I don't discipline my children? Of course not! It just means that I try to say yes to them as much as I can while still being a good mother and wife.

So it doesn't mean that I don't set limits for my children. That would mean I wasn't a good mom. 

So for instance, let's say I'm exhausted and a child wants to read with me. I'd rather read my book, all by myself. But I still want to try and say yes. This doesn't always happen. Sometimes I do just need some time to myself and that's okay.

Another example would be when a child asks me if they can do something. "Mom, can I build a fort?" "Mom, can we get out our bikes?" "Mom, can we make our own board game using Cheerios, Elmer's glue and glitter?" Well, my instinct sometimes is to say, "No!" Especially to the latter. But rather, I may sigh for a very long time and then try to say yes.

Or at least ask myself, "Why not?"

This is not only good for the children, but good for me. I find when I keep this attitude, my confidence as a mother is higher. I find myself thinking, "Yes we can!"

However, there is a paradox to this. In order to have the freedom to be a "Yes Mom," I have had to learn to say no. If I am over-scheduled and have every single hour of my week committed to something, I won't have the time to say yes. The answer much of the time then has to be no, because we have to get ready for the next thing. Or because I'm too tired from the six things we did before.

This is always a work in progress. The word "no" is so often used when you speak fluent Mommy. I just try to keep this idea in the back of my head and to keep it as part of the way I see myself. 

How might things change in your home if you decided to say yes more?

YES, my darling girl, you CAN have a big ol' piece of chocolate cake for your first birthday.

And then you can have a big ol' bath in the kitchen sink!

Expecting Plans to Fail

Would you like to make God laugh? Just tell Him your plans.

I'm a planner. I plan things. Some plans are for tomorrow. Some plans are for when Jason retires. These are not just dreams. They are plans. We have talked about some of the things we would like to do, even thirty years from now, and we are taking small steps now to make those possible.

I realize that very often, life can trample even the best-laid plans. We have all had this happen to us and it can be very frustrating.

That's okay.

And I can't help but think, so what?

Does this mean that I should no longer plan? To me, the answer is no. To me, this would be like giving up and no longer pursuing excellence, no longer living with purpose and ambition.To me, this is settling for mediocrity. I want more from life than that. And I believe the God wants more for His children than that.

I'm sure that God laughs at a lot of my plans. I'm sure He was laughing while I was in college planning to be a teacher. I'm sure He was thinking, "You sure are going to be surprised who you'll be teaching!"

I'm okay with that and I have faith that God's plans for me will always be better than my own.

But I'm still going to try! I'm going to try damn hard to discern what God is calling me to do, what will bring joy into my family's life and what pursuits are worthwhile.

And then, I'm going to plan and try my best to make those things happen!

The Joys of Being a Stepmother, Pseudo-Aunt and Godmother

We made it. Here we are on the other side - Monday morning.

Jason and I welcomed three additional kiddos into our home on Friday afternoon and had them stay the weekend with us. Matthew, Kayliana and Zachary Martin all joined the Burdullis family for a couple of days while their parents presented an Engaged Encounter weekend. Our three darlins will join the Martin household for the weekend at the end of April.

Good Morning! Breakfast time Saturday morning.

Adrienne was also with us and has been for the past week. If you count her as a "child", that makes seven children for the weekend, although she provides a lot more help than additional work. Jason drove her home to Portland on Sunday afternoon. We had another fabulous visit with her during her spring break and will be counting the days till she comes again this summer. Seriously, the week after she visits, we all have to go through withdrawal. She adds so much to our family and we will miss her so much. The next time we see her, she will have graduated from 8th grade and be ready to begin high school this fall! Unbelievable!

The weekend went great! Everyone slept well and there were no major injuries - success!

With the Martin children, Jason and I got to relish in our role as pseudo-aunt and uncle (Matthew and Zach call us Auntie Rebecca and Uncle Jason, which pulls my heartstrings every time) as well as our role as godparents to Kayli.

This all brings me so much joy. To see all of these children in our life play together and interact with one another with so many different personalities and dynamics is amazing to witness.

At one point during the weekend, I was on the phone with Jenny giving her an update about how the weekend was going. I was telling her about Veronica and Kayli interacting and called them "the girls."

Jenny exclaimed, "The girls! I love that you just said, 'The girls!' I still can't believe that we both have little girls!"

It's true. "The boys" has always been a common phrase among our two families. But it is such a blessing to now have added "the girls" to our vernacular!

And I must say, they are pretty darn cute together.

See . . .

It was very fun to have two little girls around who are so curious and excited about the world around them, who love to chat and to snuggle. I have had more hugs this weekend than maybe ever. And when one of them was feeling sad, it seems a mommy is the best comfort, even if I am a lame replacement for Kayli's actual wonderful mother. On Saturday evening, I was holding them both quite a bit, eventually causing Veronica to be a bit jealous. She expressed this by rolling around the floor and collapsing in irritation, which was funny and adorable.

What a blessing to be so loved! And what a blessing to not only be able to have my own children, but to have an inspiring stepdaughter and to have these three darling children join our family every now and then. We all had so much fun together. I couldn't help but smile at all of the bedtime whispering and giggling happening last night :)

Who's that?

All the girls in PJ's

Saving my Strength

This will be very short as I am saving all of my energy for this weekend.

Including Adrienne, we will have seven children at our house from about 4:00 this afternoon until about 4:00 on Sunday afternoon.

Our dear friends, Mike and Jenny, are presenting an Engaged Encounter weekend and we are taking care of their children. They will be doing the same for us at the end of April. We have done this before many times, but these are the first weekends that will include the youngest child in each family. 

Seven children. Two one year olds. A four year old. A five year old. A seven year old. An eight year old. And a fourteen year old. Thank goodness for the fourteen old!

Pray for us :)

And if we are still alive on Monday, I'll tell you about it. Or maybe Tuesday, depending on how exhausted I am.

Hope you have a great weekend!

A Year Gone By

Very pregnant almost exactly a year ago at Joshua's 6th birthday party.

Snuggling and resting with Noah and a very swollen belly.

There was an eclipse the week before she was born and I was definitely hoping that somehow the alignment of the stars would force the baby OUT! :)

And then after about 30-40 hours of labor (who knows when we should have started counting), she was born.

She definitely has a great pair of lungs which she still likes to prove with her velociraptor screech.

Peace and Joy

A full year. That's how long it's been since my daughter entered the world.

Time absolutely flies, and especially so when you are falling in love with your baby. When Veronica was first born, I was asked over and over if it was different to finally have a little girl. Many found my answer to be surprising, for the answer when she was an infant was, "No, not really."

I mean, what is the real difference between a girl infant and a boy? Well, really it just comes down to diaper changes. Other than that, they pretty much do the same things: eat, sleep and poop.

Veronica all dressed up for her first Easter with her two brothers.

Some would argue that there are the clothes, clothes, clothes! And yes, while dressing a baby girl is lots of fun, we have been so blessed to have two families give us all of their girl hand-me-downs. So I could literally count on one hand the number of clothes or accessories that I've bought for Veronica.

I love being a girl. Always have. I grew up with three brothers and my little sister, but she wasn't born until I was ten. Throughout my childhood, I developed a balance between my natural feminine instincts and the influence from my brothers. I loved Barbies and princesses and dress-up and doing my hair and wearing pretty dresses. But I also loved playing army, Legos and mud-gushing at camp.

I like that balance and it is something that I have always hoped to pass onto my daughter someday. I love being a woman and feel honored that I will have the chance to teach a young girl how to be a woman. And not just any young girl. But my little girl. My daughter. My Veronica.

A few weeks ago, I spent part of my Mother's Day Out at Toys 'R Us buying birthday gifts for Joshua and Veronica. This might seem like an odd way to spend part of what is supposed to be my day of relaxation. But shopping without three children in tow will now always seem like a vacation :)

And it was so fun! I took my time and browsed each isle, really thinking about what to buy each child. As I've done so little shopping for Veronica, I wanted to buy her everything! But I had a difficult time, because she is obviously too young for about 99% of the things in the store. And I don't want to rush and buy her things that she will have no appreciation for. I want to wait. I want to buy her a beautiful, porcelain tea set when she absolutely loves having tea parties. I want to savor her childhood and make it last as long as I possibly can.


Walking through those isles, I saw much of my childhood laying behind me and in a more real way than ever (and yes, in the isles of frickin' Toys 'R Us), I saw the childhood of my daughter laying before me. And yes, I almost started crying right there in the midst of all the Pepto Bismal pink.

Now when people ask me if it's different having a girl, I have begun to answer yes. She is definitely more chatty than the boys were at that age. Even though she only has a few words, she is very conversational. Whenever the phone rings, her hand immediately goes up to her ear. She is definitely more cautious, sitting right down if she knows you are trying to get her to walk. And she just loves to hold and hug and pat her baby.

She is so snugly and so sweet and my best afternoons right now are the ones when I lose track of time and forget my chores and get down on the floor and crawl after her as she squeals in delight.

Happy Birthday Veronica!

Getting So Big

Birthday Photos

There are no words. This past weekend was one for the books. Couldn't possibly write about it all. I'm too exhausted! All I can say is that my family rocks. Absolutely rocks. And I am very, very grateful. Take a scroll down and witness it yourself.