Where the Red Fern Grows

A memory to cherish . . . Spending the summer of 2013 reading Where the Red Fern Grows with Joshua and Noah.

I still remember my teacher reading this book to us at lunch time each day during seventh grade. The story was so moving and I loved it so much. Since then, I've always wanted a hound dog. As she read the surprisingly sad ending, I recall as I fought back the embarrassing tears that were filling my eyes, goosebumps and sweat appeared on my skin and my whole body shivered. It was one of the first times that I had heard a story that didn't end happily. It touched my heart.

Joshua and Noah have loved this book as much as I did. They have listened with their eyes and ears wide open, so intently. They too were shocked to find out that not all stories have a happy ending.

As I discussed the book with them afterwards, they expressed some of the emotions they had felt and which parts had surprised them. Noah, my dear, sweet, soulful boy, buried his head into my chest and cried. His tears brought back on my tears and for a minute we cried together.

In a strange way, I felt proud of him. Proud that he feels things so strongly. Proud that he loves so deeply, even characters in a book.

How blessed I am to witness these children grow up.

Growing in Generosity

Many times throughout this pregnancy, both Jason and I have been asked again and again how many children we plan on having. Thankfully, we both believe that for the most part, this question has been asked with a sentiment of genuine curiosity, love, support and encouragement, not judgment.

When we first became pregnant, I was defensive. I was ready for an ongoing attack of questions and comments, implying that we were overpopulating the world, that we were overextending ourselves, that we were crazy Catholics who were obviously practicing the "rhythm method" of birth control (very different from today's NFP) and failing at it. Did we even know what kept causing this?

To my surprise and relief, this has not been the case at all. We have been so encouraged by our friends and family and even those who don't know us. Sometimes someone will ask me if this is my first baby, a question that I love but inevitably makes me laugh. Of course, they are very surprised when I answer, "No, it's our fourth!" Now perhaps y'all are simply hiding your disapproval and whispering behind our backs about those crazy Burdullis', but that's just fine with me. If that's the case, I appreciate you keeping it to yourselves. But really, I don't think that's the case as our community has given us much support and love.

Last night, I couldn't sleep. I was hot, uncomfortable, miserable, frustrated, exhausted and angry that I'd been awake for two hours. As I laid on the couch, the baby began to move; a not so gentle reminder as to what all of this is for. I was reminded of Father Brad's homily from last weekend. In it, he speaks of generosity and quotes Father Ronald Rolheiser:

If we . . .would always wait until life was given to us as gift, as opposed to taking it as if by right, seizing it, plundering it, we would never break a single commandment. Moreover, we would have in our lives the first and most important virtue of all: the sense that all is gift, including life itself. Everything should have to be asked for and nothing should be taken, as if it was ours by right.

Father Brad reflected further and said, "The Gospel is recommending, or even stronger demanding, an attitude of reception and generosity . . . If we are supposed to receive everything as a gift, then life is a gift, breath is a gift, our body is a gift, friendship is a gift, our talents are gifts, our toothbrush is a gift . . . "

As I struggle with feeling frustrated by the discomforts of late pregnancy, this philosophy challenges me. I can often battle a sense of entitlement, rather than cultivating this attitude of reception. I think we tend to focus on external things when it comes to gratitude; hopefully our homes, our families, our friends, our food. But at the same time that we feel grateful for these things, do we not also feel entitled to them? And if we do, are we sincerely grateful?

What about our bodies? Our breath? What about our health? What about physical comfort? Are we grateful for these things? Do we feel entitled to them?

Today a new friend shared with me the experience of her first pregnancy, which included so many complications, including preeclampsia. This was a reminder of how relatively easy my pregnancies have been. Furthermore, this friend went on to become pregnant again, knowing that she may have to go through the same complications again. Fortunately, she didn't.

When frustrated by the discomforts of pregnancy, especially in the middle of the night or when I wake up with a terrible headache due to my lack of rest, I can really wallow in self pity. Why is this happening? Don't I deserve a good night's sleep? How am I supposed to function, be productive, be a kind and patient mother and a loving wife when my body aches and I am so tired?

This attitude very much opposes the one of reception and generosity that Father Brad is speaking of. When I think this way, I am forgetting that a good night's sleep is a gift, that physical health, well-being and comfort is a gift. Furthermore, I am forgetting the gift that is growing inside of me. I am experiencing these discomforts for a wonderful reason, one that I hoped and prayed for. Many people suffer from insomnia, from discomfort, from pain, from illness. They do not deserve these things any more than I. And in many cases, there isn't a happy reason behind their trials such as a new baby on the way and they have to accept their suffering anyway.

I remember listening to an interview of a woman who had lost her husband and two children in a tragic car accident. When asked how she dealt with the question of why this happened to her and her family, her response was, "Why not me?" Despite the awful experience this woman had been through, she was able to keep in mind that no one is entitled to a life without suffering, no one is above the pain and heartache that countless others have gone through.

As a Christian, I am called to strive to live like Jesus. Jesus sacrificed His body, His life for us. And even though He was the Son of God, He did not feel entitled even to His own life. He accepted His suffering and His death because it was part of God's will.

I have always known in my heart that it was God's will for me to be a mother of a large family. While I feel abundantly joyful and blessed to be able to live out this calling, I also have to accept its inconveniences, frustrations, pains and sorrows. I can strive to do this in the spirit of Jesus. I can accept these things as they are part of God's will.

How many children will we have? I don't know. With all of the discomforts of pregnancy, it is easy right now for me to say, "We're done." But with this attitude, I am not keeping that attitude of generosity, being generous both in heart and in body. I wouldn't decide not to have another baby only because I didn't want to go through these discomforts again, if I thought it was God's will for us to bring another life into the world. Besides, if I know myself, this feeling of being done will subside as this new baby grows into a toddler. On the other hand, I also wouldn't decide to have another baby only because I wanted to experience babyhood again if I didn't think it was God's will.

I feel like in saying this, I am making it sound like we are going to have ten more kids. Because when is God really not going to want another one of His children in the world, right? But that's not what I'm saying at all and I think it is much more complicated than that. For us, many factors will be considered when trying to determine God's will for such a large decision. We don't believe that God wants us to overextend ourselves--financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually. I have to keep in mind how many children I think I can educate well. At the same time, we believe that God will give us all that we need in order to live out His will.

We are not yet ready to decide how many children we will have. Really, we will just take it one baby at a time. And then, we will strive to make that decision by discerning God's will. Our prayer will be that God makes it very clear what His plan is for our family.

Big Girl Bed

Veronica's first night in a big girl bed. No more crib. This brings tears to my eyes. A few weeks ago, I realized that we have a couple more months before she is 2 1/2. Thank goodness. I want this precious angel to be two for as long as possible. Not a day goes by that she doesn't make me laugh, feel joy or feel the strings of my heart be pulled as I witness what a big heart she has. No longer a baby, but a little girl.

I can't help but be sad to have time slipping away. I try to focus not on the time that's gone by in such a rush, but on the future I will have with her--watching her grow, having more conversations with her, God willing witnessing her turn into a big girl, a teenager, a young woman, maybe a wife, a mother. I look forward to those things.

And of course seeing her become a big sister next month. As I feel the inevitable sadness that goes along with watching your children become older, I am so blessed by the comfort of knowing that another babe is on the way. Not too far now. About another six weeks. I pray for a healthy baby and a shorter labor :) And for God's grace to live out His will and His glory as I mother four children.

Another baby. Another blessing. May this road the Lord has set me on be all for His glory.

Slow and Steady Progress

I have not written in a while, but I have sat down to edit photos and write a quick post as a means to make myself sit down and rest for a few.

Last week we had our annual week long trip for the Fourth of July to Lake Chelan with my family. It was truly a wonderful week. I think that with children, it was the easiest trip we have had so far. It is nice to see how things will get easier as the children grow. But then of course, we are starting over in a way this September by adding another baby :)

While I really enjoyed the week, by the end of it I was sort of freaking out. The trip to Chelan is like a checkpoint halfway through the year for me. As we have gone for over twenty years now, it is as traditional and reflective as beginning a New Year. I usually leave feeling very excited for the remainder of the year, as I enjoy the second half much more and know that time will slip by so fast and soon it will be Christmas.

This is my first pregnancy ever that I wish would slow down! Usually I am ready to be done at like five months. Not this time. As the end of our trip approached, I began feeling overwhelmed and stressed by how soon this baby will be here. Only about 10 more weeks! And we have SO MUCH to do! My usual excitement about the rest of the year turned to anxiety last week. How are we going to get it all done?

Well, most likely, we won't. But we are trying hard. We came home and spent the weekend being super-productive. This momentum continued for a couple of days. And then yesterday afternoon, in the middle of a huge homeschooling organizational project, I crashed. I was DONE and remained on the couch for the rest of the day. The homeschooling organization is still strewn about all over my kitchen counters and table.

The challenge seems to be as always, finding the right balance. Being productive without overdoing it. Trying to check things off the list while also letting some things go. Setting myself up for the easiest transition possible with a new baby and a new school year, while knowing that this transition is never "easy." Taking care of my family while also taking care of myself. Letting myself enjoy this pregnancy, savor it, feel the joy and anticipation of a new life coming, and keep the stress to a minimum.

Keeping the stress to a minimum does not mean that I should just let it all go. That would stress me out even more! I have to accomplish the things that I can and feel comfortable letting some things go and saying no. For me, it's a tall order.

I spent time today making a LONG list of items that will ideally get done before the baby's arrival. Making a list feels good. Crossing out items feels even better. It will not all get done. That is certain. But in short intervals between now and September 22nd, I hope to make a big dent.

Mud Pie

Here we are, on day four of summer vacation. Over the past few days, it has been apparent that Joshua and Noah don't totally know what to do with themselves with less structure. More bickering. More whining. More boredom.

But yesterday afternoon, they began to figure it out. Yesterday afternoon, they discovered mud.

Today, they have been outside for almost five hours straight (which has been heaven as I'm not feeling great) and are just now starting to ask to come in, mostly because they are tired of being filthy and are beginning to get cold.

I hope that today is an indication of what this summer will bring for us. Kids being kids. Enjoying the sunshine. And playing in the mud :)

Common Core and the Constitution

All right, folks. I'm all riled up again.

Let's start with our Constitution, with the Bill of Rights, shall we?

Amendment X says, "The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the States, are reserved to the States respectively, or to the people."

This means that if the Constitution has not given the power to the federal government, then the power goes to the State and to the people.

Education falls into this category.

Nowhere in the Constitution is the power to control the education of our children given to the federal government. Thus, by Amendment X, it is automatically given to the State and the people. This is why we have the right to homeschool. This is why the federal government has no right to take that right away or to tell us what we must teach our children.

But now, through Common Core, the federal government is trying and succeeding to take that right away. Washington, along with 45 other states, are all signed up. So far, it is unclear about how this will affect homeschoolers. But I am definitely worried.

I have a lot more to learn about this, but what I've seen so far is frightening.

Common Core is being sold to us as a way to raise standards. I'm all for higher standards. But not at the cost of the federal government controlling our educational system and determining what all students in our country must learn.

And would you like to see what they have in mind for our children's learning? Well, first off, let's teach our six-year-olds how to manipulate their parents . . .

The federal government is saying that this movement is state-led. This is false! In Obama's "Race to the Top" program, there was a contest with the prize of a share of $4 billion in grant money to go to states cooperating with the Common Core standards.

If this is such a great program, why would the federal government essentially have to trick states into signing on? Why would they need to offer grant money as a prize? If this program is so great, why would the federal government have to pay states to take part in it?

This grant money was a distraction with the purpose of getting states to focus on the grant money they would be receiving, rather than the local rights they were giving up.

Nine states have already signed onto the data mining that is part of the Common Core program. With this data mining, a database will be formed to track student learning and most likely, so much more. From Mallory Sauer's article, "Date Mining Students Through Common Core" is this quote:

Within the February report, the DOE displayed photographs of the actual technology that will be used on students, if the department’s plan is fully implemented. What they call the “four parallel streams of affective sensors” will be employed to effectively “measure” each child. The “facial expression camera,” for instance, “is a device that can be used to detect emotion.... The camera captures facial expressions, and software on the laptop extracts geometric properties on faces.” Other devices, such as the “posture analysis seat,” “pressure mouse,” and “wireless skin conductance sensor,” which looks like a wide, black bracelet strapped to a child’s wrist, are all designed to collect “physiological response data from a biofeedback apparatus that measures blood volume, pulse, and galvanic skin response to examine student frustration.”

So no, we are not just talking about a database of test scores. We are talking about a database of our children's emotional responses and personalities.

Scary, huh?

Maybe they'll also start taking iris scans of our children without the permission of the parents. Oh wait. They've already done that in Florida: Report: Florida Schools Scanned Children’s Eyes Without Permission

So Very Happily Married

This was taken on Saturday night at our favorite restaurant, the downtown El Gaucho, where we celebrated nearly ten years of marriage come this September. I wore a beautiful new maternity dress that Jason gave me for our weekend sans children, which unfortunately you can't see that well in this picture.

Our weekend was perfection - no cooking or dishes, wonderful food, whale watching, napping, Iron Man 3, the Corpus Christi Mass at the St. James Cathedral and Pike Place Market in the sunshine. We stopped at the downtown EE Robbins where Jason bought my engagement ring and dropped off my white gold rings for rhodium plating and to be soldered together, something that I've wanted to do for several years. They now no longer look like a light shade of yellow gold, but the white gold that they are! They are all pretty and sparkly again!

The most wonderful discovery of the weekend was that we still honestly, genuinely like each other! I can't speak for Jason, but I actually like him (and love him) more than I did when we got married. We had plenty to talk about, learned more about each other and laughed a lot. Jason didn't know that I have a pretty strong fear of heights, which he found out while we rode the new Seattle ferris wheel. And while I am afraid of heights, it's not debilitating. I was freaked out just enough to make it fun scary and I really enjoyed it.

During the past ten years, I have discovered that marriage is even better than I thought. Please note that I said better, not easier :) While I grew up observing my parents' successful, happy marriage, I still think that like so many of my generation, I was affected by our culture's typical attitude about marriage: it's a difficult, monotonous, endless battle of two different people with different perspectives, personalities, needs and desires.

How sad. How terribly sad that so many in our society are missing out on one of life's grandest gifts. I realize that to those who have been married for fifty years, we are but newlyweds. Still, I feel optimistic, hopeful, encouraged and so wonderfully pleased with the way married life has been so far.

So thank you to my darling Jason for an unforgettable weekend and a great start to our life together!