Monday, January 11, 2010

At Least It's Raining

At least it's raining. I actually mean that very seriously. If it was sunny right now, I don't think I could handle it. At least this way, half of Seattle will be depressed right along with me.

Alicia's sick again, so yes, I do have a worthy cause of feeling down. But being depressed is like wearing the wrong sized shoe because it just doesn't fit. I am typically happy and full of energy, but this has got me feeling very drained, lethargic and sad.

What's worse than feeling depressed is feeling guilty about feeling that way. I guess part of me thinks that since Alicia's been sick on and off for about six months now, I should be used to it by now or at least that it shouldn't hit me like a frickin' truck. But of course I am not used to this, especially considering how well Alicia has been for the past couple of weeks.

Sometimes it takes an incredible amount of strength to see the good in a situation. At first I was angry with God for teasing us, making us believe that Alicia was better, before she hit a bump in the road again. But then I mustered up all my hope and saw that a week ago, I was not being teased but being given a wonderful gift. Alicia sat with me on my couch and ate two bowls of Chicken Tortilla Soup while we chatted and had Family Movie Night. It was not God getting my hopes up so that I would feel worse when on Friday I found out that she was sick again. God was literally raising my hopes, giving me a glimpse of the Alicia I have known since I was two, the woman who has been like a sister to me. It was like old times. And it is proof to me that the girl I love so much and have missed so much is still living in that body.

So today I will be depressed. That's right - I am giving myself a day. Because I could wallow in sadness for a much longer time, but I just don't have time for it. And I believe that we have so much power over our emotions and our outlook and perspective. Today I can be sad. Tomorrow, I will grasp hope and strength with both hands, and rise from bed with my rose-tinted glasses on, ready to see the light and not the dark.

Today is the perfect day to be sad. Seattle is soaked with the buckets of water falling; dark and dreary is the sky, drenched is the land, and tomorrow--tomorrow the grass will be greener.

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