Saturday, July 14, 2012

Breathing Room

I wouldn't say I have claustrophobia, because that isn't it. It's more that I have moments where if one more person touches me, I am going to start screaming. Is this normal?

My mom reassures me that it is. She recalls me as a toddler clinging to her with desperation. She also remembers my younger sister Kristen clutching to her while my brother Jeremy berated her with questions about how electricity and everything else under the sky works. I can relate to that.

Of course I realize that this is a phase of life. There will be a day when I miss little hands in mine; a phase when I long for hugs from my sons who are too embarrassed or difficult to give them; a pivotal moment when I will sit on our couch and a throng of little ones won't battle over the prime space on my lap. This time will come. I wish in knowing that, I would never get irritated with the small hands, arms, legs and feet that grab, clutch, cling, hold, pet and poke me. But alas, I inevitably do.

Yesterday I actually ran away from Veronica. She is the babe who has been most attached to me. After cleaning the house, I needed to shower badly. I often have Veronica shower with me, but not this time. She could sense what was happening and chased me down the hallway. I raced away to close the door behind me, hearing detest and betrayal in her screaming: How could Mommy do this? Of course, Jason was right there to scoop her up and console her.

I also feel myself getting a little territorial of my conversation time with Jason. He is a wonderful father, making sure to really listen to the kids and have in depth conversations about whatever is on their minds. But at the end of the day when he returns home, sometimes I feel like saying, "Hey! I'm the wife! It's my turn to talk!" And occasionally I do say just that!

There have even been times when our family is driving in the car, the children are quiet, Jason begins talking with them and I get irritated! I mean, really, why initiate conversation? Let's enjoy the quiet, for goodness sake. I realize this is unreasonable. I mean, I guess he's allowed to speak to our kids. It has become a joke between he and I: "Do not engage the children!" :)

Tonight, we are removing ourselves from the children in the best way that we can. Adrienne is going to babysit for my brother, Damian's family. The boys will be downstairs watching a movie and eating dinner. If we have to pull out the Baby Einstein for Veronica, so be it.

Motherhood is an all-encompassing, all-consuming role. And of course that is partly what makes it so full of passion, joy and love. But there are times when I don't want to be so consumed.

Sometimes I just need a little breathing room.

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