Saturday, March 9, 2013

Morning Sickness, Tiredness, Headaches, Oh My!

Please do not honor me with a surprise visit right now.

I don't think my house has ever been this trashed. EVER. On the living room floor, we have an eclectic collection of pillows, books, boots, doggy toys, stuffed animals, an empty laundry basket (that should be filled with laundry to be done, but is not), slippers, sheets from the fort we built last week, bits of duct tape from the same project, dirty socks, dust bunnies, crumbs and some garbage.

My kitchen counters are covered with this week's mail, water bottles, walkie talkies, vitamin containers, empty fruit bowls, McDonalds cups, a humidifier, a high chair tray and dirty bib, dirty dishes, clean dishes that need to be put away, more garbage and more crumbs.

For your sake and for the sake of my nausea, I will not describe our bathrooms.

My saving grace has been that Jason has been the perfect husband for at least six weeks now. I mean, he is always amazing and incredible and has always gone above and beyond. But I am willing to say that for the past six weeks, he has been perfect. Understanding, compassionate, patient, attentive, so helpful and picking up an enormous amount of slack around the house.  But how long can I expect him to do that?

At this moment, Jason is out grocery shopping with Noah.  I was supposed to go, but I am lying on the couch with an upset stomach, a headache, much fatigue, nausea and the feeling of being sick and tired of being sick and tired.

As I lie here, a haunting question plagues me--Will I ever be myself again?

More so--Who is that person?

There is a shadow in my mind, a faint hint, an obscure remnant of this other woman who used to live here. She is like a ghost and I am unsure if she really exists or if I dreamed of her last night. This woman showers on a regular basis because she likes to do so, she has the energy to do so and the hot steam doesn't make her feel nauseous.

She gets up at 5 am on weekdays to walk her dog for an hour with a friend. She takes her children to daily Mass regularly. She goes to Zumba class two to three times per week. She meal plans for two weeks at a time, does the shopping every other week and then actually cooks those meals. She does at least one load of laundry everyday. Her house is adequately clean, but with three children, a dog and homeschooling, is rarely exceptionally so.

She's fun. She's upbeat. She's positive. She's motivated and ambitious. She's a hard worker.

Did I make her up? Has anyone seen her?

Please, please, if you see her, tell her to COME BACK! NOW! We need her. I need her. I can't do this without her. Someone needs to clean this place up.

(Please note: I wrote this three weeks ago, but didn't post it as I was waiting longer to post anything about this pregnancy. After I wrote it and described in detail the state of my house, I was suddenly motivated to get it cleaned up, which I did. And praise God - I am now slowly beginning to feel better and more like myself. Rather than feeling awful everyday, I've had some good days and when I do feel sick, it's for a portion of the day rather than for days on end. This week, I walked, grocery shopped, cooked, went to Mass and went to Zumba. Although the house hasn't been in quite the state it was on that day, it's still not up to par. So, if you do unexpectedly drop in, still be prepared to see a messy house.)

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