Phases

First time in the snow!

Do you ever find yourself pretending you are in a different phase of life than you are? Most of us cling to our youth in some way. For me, I did this for many summers wearing a two piece bathing suit. Most of the time, I think my body was at a reasonable weight for this. But really, with the road map of stretch marks left across my tummy from growing, kicking babes in my womb, why oh why would I do this? I know why. I didn't want to be past the bikini-wearing stage of my life. I was in denial about those silver lines on my abdomen and on my hips. Thankfully, I have found a web site which sells flattering, supportive, sexy bathing suits for reasonable prices. Here's my new favorite one: www.figleaves.com

I have found that lately, I seem to think I am further along in the stage of motherhood than I actually am. It seems that I think I am actually in my fifties with independent children and that I have a whole lot more time to myself. (That will happen someday, right???) When the new year came along, I decided that this year would be the year for me to finish my novel. Can I please now just say, only about a month later - YEAH RIGHT! What a joke! As much as I would LOVE to do this, it is simply not feasible. Basically, I would have to get up everyday at the butt crack of dawn and write for two hours. Sorry, nope. I choose sleep. I need to choose sleep. This is not a selfish choice, but a life-giving one. I have a hard enough time being patient with my little darlin's. I would be the mother from hell if I was continually sleep deprived for the next year.

Sledding for the first time near our home

Realizing this, I made a schedule that included everything I needed in my week, plus 1 1/2 hours of writing each day. Okay, well if absolutely nothing ever happened unexpectedly, then maybe that would work. If there were no blowout diapers. If I never talked on the phone. If no one ever got sick. If there were no accidents, meaning both skinned knees and puddles of pee on the floor. If I never needed to help a friend.

It's funny how we become impatient for the next phase of our lives. Remember this as a kid? Wanting so much to be a grownup? Ironic now. Joshua reminded me of this today in the car when he exclaimed, "I've been waiting for this for years!" Ha! At the age of six, he thinks he's been waiting a long time. Funnier still is what he's been waiting for; to be in a spelling bee. Next month he will give this his first try and apparently that won't be soon enough. Ya know, since he's waited many a year and all.

My Snow Angel feeling true joy

I am working on this. I suppose we all are. To live in the moment. What a fabulous, comforting and calming notion. Is anyone actually capable of this? I surely am not. It seems I am always planning. The next meal. The next lesson. The next day. The next trip. The next baby. It is February in 2012 and I have things on my calendar in 2013. Is this odd? Am I actually a very sick, sick woman? I think it's possible.

I want to enjoy my children right now. This very day. This very moment. Their giggles, their smiles, their eyes lit up, their excitement and enthusiasm, their sense of wonder and discovery, their insatiable curiosity, their silliness, their bounding growth in height, in love and in spirit. It all slips through my hands like water. 

Enjoying Veronica's wonder

Veronica will be one next month. A whole year. She is crawling, cruising and has just begun to use her walker toy around the house. She'll be walking on her own in the next few months. Beginning to talk. No longer a baby, but a toddler.

Anyway, I had not written on my blog in a long time. All writing energy was being devoted to my book, but the truth is that wasn't really happening too much either. For now, what I need to do is let it go. And I need to be okay with letting it go. For now. Maybe I'll be there in ten years. But there I go again - planning.  I do love to write. And my blog is a very realistic way for me to do that. I truly enjoy it. It's cathartic. I realize that maybe like two people read it, but I'm okay with that.

The little princess is getting so big in her bubble bath - she's almost outgrown her tub!